Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I were more into girls: would I be the same person? Would I be as depressed as I am now? Then I start thinking about guys that I'm crushing on and I can't help but feel that I'd be happier not crushing on guys that will never feel the same way towards me. They might feel the same way, but never towards me. It's at this point that I feel like cutting to cry and I know where I want the cuts to be but they'd be too visible. Oh god, I just want to cut to feel pain. Physical pain, better than emotional pain that leaves scars that won't fade.
I had a talk about my depression with Katy and Jason last night. It feels good letting the words out but without tears, smiles, or hugs. I still feel trapped. I want to cry for no reason and I hate it. If I'm going to cry I want it to be for letting go of something that I'm holding inside.
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