Hue

Suddenly you fall into a whole work load of bullshit from school. Out of that work you sometimes get lucky and you get a seed. From 1 club, to 2, to 3, back to 2, and once again 3. Is 3 the magic number? GLOW, OTC, and FIRME. The lucky number 3. 

As I get more involved in GLOW and FIRME I see that I have more options in what I can do. With GLOW I learn about different organizations involved in LGBT rights and overall human rights. With FIRME... what can I say? I love it. I love it just as much as I love GLOW. Through Firme I got to see how when you make a video you're more than just the person behind the lens and how you can be an active person who's not just in a constant state of reaction. 

Well I'm going off on a whole different tangent. 

I wanted to say how through being in Glow and eventually Firme I get to be part of The Hue. The Hue is an arts and music festival and this will be the second year that it happens. I'm part of the planning committee this year and I couldn't be happier. 

General post today

Clay's Way was an amazing book and after reading The Vast Fields of Ordinary, I can't stop thinking about how I feel like I'm going to always feel lonely and all this other bullshit. I fucking hate how sad all this shit affects me. It's like books and the Internet are my one and only life. I just want a life and to be happy, in none of the books I have read have the character been plugged in.

I asked my sister how creepy it was that all her neighbors were never outside and how it seemed like you didn't know each other and she said that they did know each other, that everyone lived independent lives. I asked her how can you live independent lives while you're plugged in? I know see that you can't but you need to be in contact with all the people. In The Vast Fields of Ordinary it never mentioned him spending hours on the computer or his phone, the only time I remember him being on the computer was when he was with Pablo but that was just to plug himself in and away from the terror that is Pablo. I now see that I plug myself in and that's why I never see life, I am always away from life.

Why am I always away from the life that I want? Is that because the life online is better? Or the only one I know? Life...

Out

Fucking tears just won't come out.
Come out, Come out, Come out.
I want out,
Out of this emotional roller coaster of life, called "being a teenager."

As if life wasn't hard enough,
I also had to be gay.
So much shit, all around.
Worrying here about the crowd
and what they think.

While over seas entire families just disappear.
Nothing I can do is there?
I'm just here.
It's not fair!

I don't know the answers to all these problems
Just frustrated that it all keeps spreading.

I want out,
To find a way out?
No!
My tears want out.
The answers need to come out.

But nothing is out.
My tear ducts shut
Mainstream media closed
Nothing is out.

Clay's Way

So I was reading this book, Clay's Way, and I finished it last night. I hated that I had finished it because that meant it was the end of that journey or adventure. I didn't want it to end, I hated how it had a sad ending and made me feel terrible about my life because it gave me the feeling of truth, I'm never going to be so long as I don't do something about it. I have to say that I recommend the book, it's not a fake story about some high school kid who comes out to the popular friend who accepts him and all that bullshit. Here it's sad, feels real, and makes you feel other emotions, sadness. The possibility of being happy is real but don't let it escape and do something about it when you have it, enjoy it. That's what I learned from the book and I'm going to re-read to re-live the experience of the two teenage boys, one in love and one in denial.

I typed up a rant about him but when I tried posting it, it didn't save it and now I'm just modifying this just so that they'll be something new on here.