Asshole that I am.

I feel so useless. There's no one to talk to. Everyone has their own life while I have these four walls around me. I promised I wouldn't cut anymore and I'll keep that promise. I do want attention, I want someone to want to talk to me. Someone to have long talks with and be able to hang out with. I have friends but my close friends are still in high school while the friends that I graduated with they're going to college. I'm stuck in perpetual childhood mode. I'm afraid of growing up. I feel like killing myself would solve these problems. I'm such a hypocrite, I tell people that they have purpose and words to keep them hopeful and yet here I am, doing what I tell people not to do.

Hipsters, The Bitches.

Hipster bitch
Hipster Bitch
Put yourself in the ditch

Ironic?
Or Annoying?
Wannabe Activist?
Or a fluff?

How about all
With a bit of sugar
So Sweet,
It's sick

A fake
A fraud
You just want to live abroad

Obscure?
Like drugs
Never seen,
But they're all around.
Elitist,
And hateful.
Just a dream
Turned nightmare.
When, will it end

Upper class,
And the trickled down.
Upper class,
And the trickled down
Upper class,
And the trickled down
Upper class,
And the trickled down

Over

I can't. I just can't anymore. I don't know how to express myself. I want to cry, I want to cut, I want to just scream… but where will all that lead? I can't feel contempt with just poems, diary, stories, or spells. It just doesn't help. It's been a month and a half since I wrote in my diary. I just wrote 3 poems. It's been a month since I wrote a spell. A couple of days since I added anything to my story. It's felt like it's just not enough anymore, I feel like I'm at my limit here.

Today my mom and my sister asked me about college, my mom had told me that she wasn't going to remind me anymore yet she reminded me today. The idea of college brings up feelings I'd rather not experience. I'm jealous of the people who have left for college. Angry at myself for staying stuck. I just want to end it all…

Before today

I laid on the floor
Staring at the stars
hoping to die
Depression took me under
That was last night

Anger
Self pity
My prison
Release is no where to be found

Yet there's a tether
Helping me stay together
An outside connection
Helping me forget for a moment about this depression.

As I write, I begin to tear.
Free flowing blood I don't fear.
But I do my self harm

I promised to stop
Broke that promise
after some blood dropped.
Although it helps with the stress
It simply creates a mess.

Whelmed.

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I were more into girls: would I be the same person? Would I be as depressed as I am now? Then I start thinking about guys that I'm crushing on and I can't help but feel that I'd be happier not crushing on guys that will never feel the same way towards me. They might feel the same way, but never towards me. It's at this point that I feel like cutting to cry and I know where I want the cuts to be but they'd be too visible. Oh god, I just want to cut to feel pain. Physical pain, better than emotional pain that leaves scars that won't fade.

I had a talk about my depression with Katy and Jason last night. It feels good letting the words out but without tears, smiles, or hugs. I still feel trapped. I want to cry for no reason and I hate it. If I'm going to cry I want it to be for letting go of something that I'm holding inside.